AVGN: Adventures in Aincrap
by SomeCrazyDude1113
Summary: The angry video game nerd plays sword art online and reviews it at the same time. (M for crude and offensive humor and strong language and all the other stuff avgn is known for)
1. Chapter 1

_He's gonna take you back to the past  
To play the shitty games that suck ass_

 _He'd rather have a buffalo  
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear  
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole  
Of a road killed skunk and down it with beer_

 _He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard_

 _He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd_

 _He's the Angry_ _Atari_ _Sega Nerd_

 _He's the Angry Video Game Nerd_

 ** _Sword Art Online_**

What can I say, there have been some shitty games over the years. Spanning from the 8 bit, 16 bit and even 64 bit era. It was only in my Mega Man review that I ever really reviewed a game from the 21st century. And normally I don't review games from the 21st century, hell I don't even review games that were made six years from now.

But in the year 2022 one game came out that was more than 16 or 64 bit, it dared to go where no game has gone before, Sword Art Online. What frontier did this introduce gamers to? Virtual reality MMO RPG.

That's right, say good by to the times sitting on your ass playing WOW or Diablo, now comes the times where you're still sitting on your ass, but this time you're running and jumping around in fields and dungeons made completely from one's and zero's.

For the most part it was ground breaking, it introduced players to a new console, the nerve gear, and for the first year it was only sold in Japan with a limited number of copies and hardware. It was the next revolutionary step in gaming so why did so many people hate it?

Well let's pop this fucker in and find out!

Before I begin, let's talk about the nerve gear. It looks like a motorcycle helmet had sex with a power ranger's mask, made in true Japanese style. You put it on and it has to run some calibrations by having you touch yourself to get a reading. Then you close your eyes and….(nothing)

Ok I'm seeing battery life is full and the clock, my nerve gear is plugged into my computer and I have strong connection despite being in New Jersey, why won't the game start?

Oh that's right I didn't say the magic words.

That's right in order to get logged in you have to audibly say a certain phrase. Now this is not the first time that video games tried to intergrade one's own voice as a gameplay mechanic. For instance there was the Konami Laser Scope, Hey You Pikachu for the Nintendo 64 and the Nintendo DS to Xbox one had something like that. But to make it mandatory to start the fucking game?

Well anyway let's see what the words are to start. (ahem)

"Start!"

"ON!"

"Ugh ok umm, Play!"

"….."

"Ass!"

"Diarrhea puke!"

"Shitload of fuck!"

What in the name of unholy cunt fuck am I supposed to say!?

Oh here we go, "Link Start!"

There we go and to be honest my eyes saw what basically looked like the star trek warp speed getting raped by a gay pride parade. And oh shit, are all sorts of things are flying at me. Ok now we log in and set our language and so on and now I create an avatar.

Wait, why the hell did I need to touch myself all over to get a reading when I am about to create a body at the proportions that I want? That's just like giving Doctor Jekyll the cain to defend himself, it makes no difference.

Next we pick out what our character will look like. Unfortunately the clothing options are limited starting out. You start with some polo sweater and armor that wouldn't even stop a baby's fist from knocking you on your ass. Man I can't even get a shirt with a pocket to put pens in it, we're not even at the start of the game and I can't even get my avatar to look cool. Too bad I can't create an avatar to look like the Bullshit Man because that's were I'm already at.

Also you can choose if you want to be male or female and how old you want to look, that'll sure make the online predators happy. I mean c'mon seriously? You can just waltz around like a twelve year old girl when in reality your a thirty year old man?

Whatever if I have a problem with it, it's not like people have ever accused me of being sexist and misogynistic before.

Ok now we're in the game and first off I gotta say, it's pretty impressive. And the best part is, you don't have to worry about shitty camera controls or any bad controls for that matter because your mind is the controller. That's right it's just like walking around in real life.

You may be thinking exactly what keeps you from moving in the real world. Well the answer is simple, they use a microwave emitter to prevent signals from the brain going to the rest of your body. If it's a microwave I wonder if I can cook food in it. I dunno because I also don't want to die from brain cancer!

Now you're probably wondering what the combat is like. Well have you ever gone LARPING while on a hunting trip? If you have then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. It's interesting when you get hit, because you can't feel pain so that's nice, you could get punched in the balls all day and never feel it.

Now for the sword or whatever weapon you choose to start with, you can actually charge it up to get a more devastating blow. All you have to do is charge it up and…..

Ok I'm charging why isn't it glowing? C'mon glow or something you piece of shit!

RRRGGGHHHHH! Get the fuck charged!

There we go!

So after getting my ass handed to be by a wild boar, whose the lowest level enemy in the game, you get points and….col?

That's the name of the money? Col?

They couldn't call it gold, or currency or some shit? They have to pick a name that sounds the least associated with money?

What do you tell your friends when you're hanging out?

"Hey man, you got some col on ya?"

That sounds like a poorly marketed drug name from a terrible movie!

Anyway I….are you serious! The boar just re spawned?! Not just anywhere but right where you're standing. Haven't they learned anything over the past thirty years? We had games like Ninja Turtles and Ninja Gaiden do that, and that was one thing, but this! This is fucking cheap!

Now I'd love to show you more of the game but apparently there is a meeting in the main town, the town of beginnings and you have to attend. You get transported there automatically so there's no getting out of it.

That's like the annoying little Navi in zelda not only telling you 'Hey! Listen!' but also grabbing you by the balls and dragging you where you need to be.

So in the town of beginnings we meet the game master, who you think would look more like a game master and not some cheap knock off from Castlevania, who tells you about Aincrad.

Then he tells you that there's now way to log out of the game, at all.

What the hell, that's like designing a Nintendo without a power off button. I mean does someone have to take the nerve gear off you or what?

He then proceeds to tell you that the if you die in the game you die in real life…..

?

Turns out the microwave chip in the nerve gear will emit a pulse that will fry your brain if you die in the game, but oh no it gets better than that. If someone tries to remove it or if it loses power you'll also die.

…

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING!?

So now I'm being held hostage by some laughin' jokin numbnuts now? Why would they do this to such a great game? It's like getting a sundae then having it drizzled with smelly gonorrhea from a dead dogs dick hole then having to consume it up your anus!

Oh wait it gets better, the only way to get out of the game is for someone to beat all one hundred floors.

First off, BEAT AN MMO! ONE HUNDRED FLOORS!?

Whose God forsaken shit storm of an idea was this? The only way I can do that is to level up and get all the good weapons which is a job that all the wish fulfillment players will get first, so I'm fucked.

He then gives you a mirror; a mirror?! We look into it and then…our avatars are replaced by our own faces and bodies?

What the hell was the point of creating an avatar if in the end you're just forced to look like your lame ass self!? It's like giving a guy viagra then chopping his dick off! Man what a shitload of fuck!

Pfft, Aincrad, more like Ain _crap_.

So what happens to my body outside the nerve gear, will I die from starvation? Will the scourge of incontinence force me to lay in my own shit while I lay motionless and unable to stop it? Will aliens land on earth and destroy my home leaving me defenseless to be anal probed?

Well can't do anything about it now, so I guess I'll just have to collect my col and try and beat this son of a bitch. I mean hell I beat Ghosts and Goblins how hard can it be?

 **To be continued.**


	2. Chapter 2

AVGN Adventures in Aincrad Part 2

' _He's the angry video game nerd'_

One month ago, I along with 10,000 other people entered the epic world of Aincrad in the most anticipated game of the century, Sword Art Online. Here we have the full virtual reality experience people have been waiting for for decades.

You have armor, weapons, mystical creatures, exotic locations, beautiful scenery and dozens of floors with towns, quests and nearly limitless variety. And it's ALL FUCKING HORSE SHIT!

Because this game has one of the cheapest drawbacks in video game history!

Remember the days of the NES,SNES and Sega Genesis when almost all the games had only a limited number of lives and continues? And then there were those games that were either one hit kills, no lives or continues or maybe even all of the above, and they were the games that fucked you harder than life itself?

Well I gotta say that Sword Art Online goes above and beyond what is reasonably necessary when it comes to fucking you over. Not only are there no lives or continues, but if you die it's the literal end to your life. That's right, once you're health depletes all the way you're dead as fuck.

I always remember my parents cracking jokes like, 'They should make a game that when you die you can't play it again because just like in real life, there are no continues.'

Well SOMEONE went a little overboard and took that concept to the extreme! Whoever created this game is an asshole!

The creator of the game was a man named Akihiko Kayaba, I wonder if that's Japanese for Fred Fucks because that would be the only explanation as to why such a brilliant game designer would suddenly take a giant turd on his own masterpiece.

He even went the extra mile to make sure no one gets out of the game alive until they beat all one hundred floors of Aincrap! No that's not a typo, I said Aincrap, get used to it.

And also whoever thought it would be a good idea to put me in this ball clamp of a death trap is a bigger asshole than Kayaba!

Now you're probably wondering what some of the biggest annoyances are in the game. Is it the re-spawning enemies? No.

Is it the ridiculous travel distances between towns? NO.

Is it even the absurdity of having to clear one hundred floors just so you can quite the fucking game and get on with your miserable life!? NO!

It's the other players!

That's right, the other players who are also stuck in this rotting, stinking hellhole can be the biggest pain in the ass. And the best part is they come in all sorts of varieties.

You have your cry babies, your douches, your clicks, your sociopaths, your idiots and your overdramatic, narcissistic butt lords who have to make the biggest deal over the smallest and forgettable things.

Most notable is the time we all gathered around to figure out how to take down the first boss. We had a pretty good plan until some cocky, overbearing turd who makes this dramatic entrance only to make a huge fuss. He said his name was Kebal, or Kee'pal or something, and he waltz's in acting all tough and cool, he even went as far as to spike his hair to look like a mace….I guess. Honestly it looks like he attached dildos to his head.

He then proceeds to go on about the 2,000 players who have died and then blamed it on the Beta testers. The Beta tester?! Turns out his claim is because the Beta's ditched the beginner players and went off to get weapons and quests. He then calls them out to apologize to everyone and hand over their stuff. Even in a game you can't escape political correctness!

This idiot actually thinks that this is the reason people are dead? So instead of blaming Kayaba like any normal human being would, you blame Beta's because they didn't hold your hand every step of the way through? What a load of bull fuck!

Turns out the Beta's actually did help out, they passed out free little books with helpful tools and hints to make it through. Consider it the Nintendo power of Aincrad and I have my copy right here. So let's open it up to see what we're up against.

So the first boss is named ill fanged the Kobalt lord…..just rolls right off the tongue. And he is guarded by his minions the ruined kobalt sentinels. What are with these names? You couldn't just leave it with Kobalt? Anyway he has four health bars, when the last one goes red he throws away the axe and brings up a talwar? I'm not sure what the hell that is other than it's a big ass sword I guess.

So in other words, he's no different then any other stupid boss in a stupid game. Hard as fuck while throwing all kinds of shit at you and then when your about to kill him he turns up the diarrhea dial.

Before we go kill this Ill fanged whatever, we all sit down and have some food, if that's what you want to call it. I still don't know how I'm alive in the real world, I guess Mike might have me on the saline diet. I have a bread roll that's bland and rock hard that virtually has little flavor. There is a way to make food taste better, for instance you can put a cream on these things, but you can't get it unless you complete a quest called 'The Heifer Strikes back.' …..I have no comment.

Well enough of that, on to the boss. So we make our way in, or that's what I would like to say if we didn't stop every fucking two minutes to have a pep talk! I mean the anxiety you get before every boss stage is maximized to the level of ungodly apprehension. Can we just get this over with?

Finally we walk inside a sherbet cathedral to meet the first stage boss. And OH MY GOD! THAT MONSTROSITY IS THE FIRST STAGE BOSS!? It's a giant pig- dragon inbred from hell with four health bars and WE HAVE TO FIGHT HIM AND HIS LITTLE ARMY OF FUCKTARDS AT THE SAME TIME!?

It's not the betas fault 2,000 people are dead it's the fucking unnecessary, high leveled difficulty that any gamer of the 80's would be familiar with, like Contra, Paper Boy and Mario Bro.s 3 that were great and innovative but so Goddamn hard and merciless that you would have a better chance at running through of a pit of lava shooting out fire with sharks jumping out and about with walls of spikes closing in on you.

So I'm apart of the team that's just going to whack these little sentinels.

"C'mere you little fuckers! RRRRGGGHHHH DIE, DIE, DIE!"

I gotta say for a death game I'm enjoying myself very much.

Ok c'mon we almost got this! I can see it the boss is on his last health bar and it's in the red, we're actually going to beat him, all that's left is for him to pull out his talwar, or whatever the hell it's called.

Ok we got blue hair running in about to make the killing blow…

"Wait stop, it's no good, get out of there!"

Whoa who's speaking, what's the issue? AH! Ill fang is going batshit crazy jumping around all over. Man for a big fat tub a lard he sure has height, I mean is he wearing Air Jordans? Well because of that little distraction from that other kid the blue haired kid got his ass handed to him, way to go you fucking moron you just got him killed! I mean what was it that caused that other kid to call out. Turns out it was an odachi not a talwar that Kolbalt pulled. What the fuck difference does that make? It's a big ass fucking sword the same! That was no reason to distract anyone, what a tool!

Well the guy's not dead they're getting him a health potion so he'll be ok. Wait he's not taking the potion, what's wrong with you you dumb ass? Oh turns out they're both betas and now, during a big battle where people are getting killed and need help, they need to have a special moment. What kind of gay shit is this? Can't this wait? Just take the potion you mucus eating puss bucket and get your ass back in the fight!

Well he died because….reasons…..seriously again with other players and the drama. I mean who cares if he's a beta or not? Oh that's right it's all the other idiots trapped in this stinking toilet of swirling binary ka-ka dookie who have to treat everything like it's a damn soap opera.

Now this guy is going to take on the boss which should be fair seeing how he seems to have the answers to everything with the help from a mysterious hooded figure helping him. So it would be great if we all jumped in but I guess everyone is just going to watch these two and do nothing. What a shitload of fuck.

"YOU'RE GOING DOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNN!"

Does he seriously have to scream through all this? Just kill him and take the item while us other mere mortals be in shock and awe of your presence.

Oh finally someone else has the sense to step in who happens to be probably the only black guy in the game. God I hope this game doesn't develop into the horror genre or he's fucked. Finally we all run in, but I gotta say it feels more like we're just doing this to save that one kid's ass than actually kill the boss. And oh he's back on his feet and kills the boss so it makes me wonder if these sacrifices were really necessary. And of course he's screaming every step of the way. I know I scream and yell but I don't do without a good reason, the reason being when I'm pissed off!

Well the boss is dead we all cheer, one floor cleared 99 to go and only 8,000 people remaining. So we only lost 2,000 people in a month, I sure like these odds.

Well it's been a long day might as well pack it in. Wait, now what's the problem?

Goddammit that dildo head is whining and bitching again!

He wants to know why we let the blue haired guy die. BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TAKE THE FUCKING POTION YOU CRANIAL RECTAL INVERTED SIMPLETON!

Oh great they found out he's a beta tester, again with the beta testers! Suddenly we hear probably the worst, forced courtesy laugh in the history of mankind. He then brags in the most annoying way possible about all the stuff he knows and how he's better than everyone. Frankly I don't care but I'm forced to participate just like I'm forced to play shitty games.

One points out that he's beta and a cheater, then calls him a 'beater.' Yeah probably because he beats off to a picture of himself every night. I mean what's next with betas, are people going to start jumping off platforms to their deaths or something?

Honestly I'd rather have an alligator clamp down on my dick being strapped to rocket about to be launched to the planet Uranus with hepatitis infested piranhas eating out my eyes then have to stay in the nippled clamp of a sob fest any longer.

But I don't have a choice. Join me next time as the adventures of Aincrap continue.

 **To Be Continued.**


	3. A Very AVGN Christmas

**A very AVGN Christmas**

 _He's playing some games the worst he recalls, he's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls._

 _The Angry Video Game Nerd is here!_

 _Oh, he's making a list and checking it twice, he's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice._

 _The Angry Video Game Nerd is here!_

 _He hates the games that stink. He knows which ones to break._

 _He just might even hate them all, 'cause he's made for fucking sake!_

 _You better watch out, don't give these games a try._

 _You better not play em', he's telling you why._

 _The Angry Video Game Nerd is here._

Happy Holidays to all of my fans from within a death game! And to all you atheists out there, Merry Christmas! Oh yeah I just went there.

Instead of continuing my review of Sword Art Online, I thought that tis' the season of giving, and what better present to give to my fans than to give them what they want.

Let's see, one fan asked, "Will you change the name to, 'AVGN: _Adventures in Aincrap?'_

Might as well seeing that's what I dubbed this cesspit of VR experience.

He also asked if we would ever see on my most dreaded enemies from the shows or the games. Well that got me thinking that there is one enemy encountered in SAO that I've encountered before but instead of just up and saying it, why don't I tell you a christmas story.

This story is called.

 _How the Nerd Killed Christmas._

 _'Twas the night before Christmas throughout all the land, all the players were happy but one found it bland._

 _Through tananbombs and thistles and gayly decked halls, one sat alone while saying, "This game sucks donkey balls."_

 _He was the nerd who had a grimly profession, which was sparked by an abnormal and unusual obsession._

 _While others play music or act to obtain fame, the nerd warned others not to play shitty games._

 _His talent and rage though pure and divine, had got him trapped in a hell called Sword Art Online._

 _It was Christmas in Aincrad and the nerd just got boned, while others were in guilds, the nerd sat alone._

 _The nerd once had friends, guilds and family galore but that ended briskly by a treasure seeking whore._

 _They had raided a den which spawned a simple chest, one wanted to open it but the nerd did not think it best._

 _But the the twerp was upon it and it was not before long, before he was saying, "What could possibly go wrong?"_

 _Suddenly the chest disappeared and goons appeared all over, and that's when the nerd yelled, "You just fucked us all over!"_

 _They all fought hard to stay alive in the game, but sadly in the end, the nerd was all who remained._

 _On that fateful day because of one retarded blunder, the nerd lost his friends but then he started to wonder._

 _Though he could see if he could join a new pack, but was it at all possible if he could bring one of them back?_

 _That is when the nerd learned of a revival item but getting it would be hot, but he simply shrugged and said, "Let's give it a shot."_

 _It was a fools hope to recover his loss, for this item was in the hands of a boss._

 _He ran through the snow thinking of bull shit man and shit pickle who were killed with a spike, "Hey don't forget Pat, nerdy turd, Andre and Mike!"_

 _He dashed through the trees until he fell with a stumble, he found other players wanting the same thing, and ready to rumble._

 _They had followed the nerd to get the same treasure, and wishing to kill over it seemed a real pleasure._

 _They clashed and they fought to send each other to hell, but that's when they stopped at the sound of…jingle bells?_

 _Starlight came upon the boss whose a dick, but lo and behold it was a giant zombie St. Nick!_

 _"What kind of stupid boss is that?" yelled the nerd, "He looks like a badly wound up smurf who is fat with a Santa hat!"_

 _All the players engaged upon the christmas renegade, while getting cut down by his massive axe blade._

 _There was screaming and crying and moaning galore, these noobs, the nerd, would show them once more._

 _All those years playing shitty games were in the end for his best, for now his might and skill was being put to the test._

 _"Die you Fucker!" Said the nerd as he sliced off his head, then escaped the hoarding mob by riding his body down like a sled._

 _It was done at last, the thing he wanted most, the item which could bring back friends who were ghosts._

 _He opened the menu and read the instructions, when suddenly he found an unbelievable obstruction._

 _Apparently after this long and crazy and ridiculous ride, the item must be used ten seconds after the player has died._

 _"You mean when all my friends died from taking too many bad hits, this revival in the end, is just a piece of shit?!"_

 _The nerd was outraged, "Ten seconds! Ten Seconds! Ten Seconds my Ass! Could you even open your menu to revive someone in a battle that fast?"_

 _Alas it was done, there was nothing he could do, so he picked up his sword and continued to play through._

 _This game was terrible and poopy in every way, the only way out seemed so far and out of the way._

 _Defeat the last boss was the only way out, but how can this happen when all the players whine and pout?_

 _The nerd returned to the village and threw the item away, then he went to the inn and awaited the next day._

 _The only way to survive was nothing short of mere luck, so the nerd then pronounced, "Merry Christmas to all, to this shitload of fuck!"_

 _And that is when, at least in Aincrad they say, that the nerd's rage grew three sizes that day._

 _Everyone gathered around him as he arose and swore, "We've played this shitty game for a while, but now no more!"_

 _The players questioned him how he'd beat the game, he said, "I've played games my whole life and will beat this one the same!"_

 _All the players cheered and yelled for his guild to be picked, and the nerd himself, mounted the head of St. Nick._

And there you have my personal Christmas adventure in Aincrad in which I squared off against good ol Santa Clause again. Join me next time when things get even more retarded when apparently people try to cheat and hack the game.


End file.
